hug, Alice

What in the Name of ...?

Things I Don't Understand About the World

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My Epic Romance With Batman
hug, Alice
 It's been a while since I did anything bloggy, but it's late and I'm feeling chatty and wearing the Spectacles of Power, which always make me feel more epic and important than when I wear my contacts, for reasons that I don't understand.  Maybe because these Spectacles of Power have plastic frames in black and purple, and are more fashion statement-y than my previous pair, which were Spectacles of Geekery.  Plus, I don't wear the Spectacles of Power much, so I always feel like people should take notice when I do.

Also, then I look like I should be friends with Nanao Ise from Bleach, who is my favorite character for all of her maybe ten lines of dialogue because she wears glasses and will kick your ass and I can totally respect that.  I also respect Rukia's tiny-person ass-kicking abilities, and feel that Orihime can take all of her yelling and whining and almost molesting Ichigo off a cliff for all I care.

Maybe I'll write about Bleach when I actually finish writing about Avatar: The Last Airbender.  We'll see.

Anyway, this is not a story about Bleach.  This is about my epic romance with Batman.  I'm not sure how funny others will find it, but I almost died laughing.

This story actually goes back a few months to when Tea Fellow decided to stop being annoying and giving me mixed signals, but in a direction that I didn't like.  He spent two years going "Relationships are great and meaningful and you're great too, and very pretty and I like you oh-so-very-much and no I don't want a relationship with you, why do you ask?" and I would pound on my keyboard like "why are you such a bitch????" because oh, hey, this was all over the internet because he lives an hour away and I'm too wibbly to go ask him about it.

This went on for two years, with me like "eh?" before he very abruptly started dating someone who is not too wibbly to do things properly.  Munchkin Mayor was like "WHAT?" and Saftig was like "What is he thinking???" and Sister Girl said "he better watch out for me, is all I'm saying," which was sweet.

But the best reaction came when I told Adorable Artist, who was watching cartoons in the living room while Tall and Awkward (I can't call him Depressed, anymore, since that is mostly controlled) was sitting in the corner doing computery things and not noticeably paying attention.  I explained to Adorable Artist what had happened, and she was shocked for a second, before recovering and saying "Oh, whatever, fuck him.  You need someone better."

"Like Batman!" came from the corner.  It was so offhand.  Seriously, Tall and Awkward didn't even look up from his computer.

This prompted a laugh, because while he was being sweet and all, and I think they were laughing at the fact that Batman isn't real and is therefore an implausible match for me, I was laughing because I am quite possibly the worst match ever for Batman.

A few things you should know about me: I'm really tiny.  Not as short as Munchkin Mayor, but petite, and weirdly, not built like a petite person.  You know how a lot of short people have normal-sized torsos, and short arms and legs, so they look like a normal height when they're sitting down?  That's not me.  I'm like a normal-height person who has been scaled down.  I'm like an optical illusion.

My face also shares certain similarities with an optical illusion.  My features are just a bit off working with each other, and in the right lights I look perfectly normal, so that you go "Oh, that's a normal and somewhat pretty girl," and then I turn my head a little and you realize that you were mistaken, and that nothing quite works.  It's an odd sort of balance.

Also, I'm not really in shape.  I could probably get in shape pretty easily, but it's hard to do when I keep all my food in my room because I have five roommates and our kitchen is smaller than some walk-in closets I've been in.  I'm not sure if my roommates realize that the reason the rest of them have space is because all my food is in my room, but I'm sure they will when I graduate and they get a new roommate and suddenly The Noisy One can't buy five bags of baby carrots and forget about them because there just isn't enough room in the fridge.  Ah well.

Anyway, the point I was getting at about the food in my room is that it's hard to control your portions when your Cheez-Its and chocolate orange sticks are two feet away from you.  And don't try to tell me not to buy Cheez-Its and chocolate orange sticks, because I'm not listening.  Lalalalalala.

Now that you know more about me, imagine Batman, who is always depicted as amazingly good-looking, tall, and buff, the Dark Knight, a vigilante with a heart of gold, who speaks with silence and the Darkness of Night, with a very short curvy girl in Spectacles of Power, who appears to be an optical illusion, likes to give hugs, and sometimes subjects her roommates to explosions of rambly consciousness.  What a silly notion.

I laugh at you, silly notion.  Ha ha.

So we were amused, but not nearly as amused as when Adorable Artist and I were going grocery shopping so I could have more food in my room to tempt me, and got to talking about what dating Batman would be like, and wondered whether he would talk to me in the raspy Christian Bale voice.

For the next section, you'll have to use your imagination.  Pretend you're in the backseat of a Ford Focus, driving down a country road in New England while one short girl says romantic things in a passible imitation of Christian Bale as Batman, and the other equally short girl laughs very hard and tries not to crash the car.

"Oh, [Ellie], from the moment I saw you holding that chinchilla in your arms while it attempted to eat your shirt, nothing in my life has been the same," says the one covered in flannel and paint.

The optical illusion one laughs.  "Oh, really, Batman?"

"Yes, you just looked so pastoral and in tune with nature.  I myself am quite in tune with rodents, as I frequently impersonate a bat."

The girl driving looks thoughtful.  "Really?  I thought you were afraid of them."

"That's true, but I've embraced their frightening qualities as a part of myself."

"Oh, I see."

"I was so inspired that I made some adjustments to the Batmobile.  Now both seats recline, if you catch my drift."

"How scandalous!"

The girl with the paint on her pants has to stop to catch her breath before continuing.  "I also updated the motorcycle to have a seat for you.  I'm sorry I made you ride in the bicycle basket for so long.  Once Alfred told me how unseemly that was for a lady, I made it into a motorcycle built for two."

"That Alfred!" chokes out Optical Illusion.  "What would we do without him?"

"I also changed the color scheme in the Batcave.  It used to be quite blue in there, but now I've swapped out all the lights to be more of an orangey pink.  I guess you would call it a salmon color."  On the word salmon the impression gets extra raspy.  "It's not as ominous as I would like, but only the best for you, my dear."

"Wow, you coordinated the decor with my wardrobe!"  Salmon is a color she wears fairly often.

"It's because I love you.  When you go to the lake in the back, you can see the reflection of the salmon-colored lights in the water, and it's almost as lovely as yoooouuuur faaaaaccceeee..."

The one driving laughs again.  "I'm going to wind up crashing this car if you're not careful."

I honestly can't remember the conversation here, because I was laughing so hard I was in hysterical sobs, and it featured Adorable Artist yelling "[Ellie], my loooooovvvvveee!!!!" in the middle of Target in the Batman voice when she couldn't find me.  I do remember that the conversation ultimately culminated in a proposal, and the following line:

"Alfred, I'm going out to purchase a ring with a salmon-colored diamond for my one true love.  We'll need some snacks when I get back to celebrate our upcoming nuptials."

As of right now, that's as far as the relationship has gone, mainly because Batman is still fictitious, but I'll keep you updated on any developments.
This is the closest I get to a relationship.


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